When I thought about writing my next article about marriage, I thought that it would be about my experiences thus far- but I’m struggling to think of what could be useful.
Instead, there‘s one experience prior to marriage that I think would be a lot more valuable.
Before getting married I wrote an article on my experience, and it was one that a lot of people found relatable. But I deleted it. I felt a bit uncomfortable about nazr and evil eye which is why I did. But, I want to talk about a few of the things I spoke about then.
Often when patience (or sabr) is mentioned, in its beautiful ways. It’s described as a beautiful process where though things are “tough” you keep holding on, and you just keep on getting stronger. But that’s certainly not what I experienced- definitely not. I think there definitely needs to be a lot more truthful discussions around patience, because I think that anyone who has experienced a situation where they had to be patient could tell you- its not fun.
That, however, is not saying that there is no beauty in patience. Because patience is something that God has enjoined upon us, so how could there not be? Because everything He has given us has beauty.
There are moments whilst your experiencing patience where things feel managable, and most importantly when a situation passes and you see how much you grew through it and learnt. At this point you can see the true beauty of patience. But the truth is, being patient can be exceptionally hard- and the reality of it has to be clearer. You can find beauty amongst the patience, but sometimes it takes time.
Now, the way that I relate to this idea of patience is, as I implied earlier, because of my experience prior to marriage. Before getting married to my husband, we knew eachother for about 4 years. And if I’m honest, they were both the best and worst four years of my life.
Someone amazing had come into my life and had such a massive impact, however as a Muslim I had to navigate where my boundaries laid in terms of our “relationship”. As someone who was already very anxious and guilt burdened by how good of a Muslim I was, this situation genuinely plagued me. I spent everyday questioning myself, him and everything we did. We did our best to maintain all the boundaries we could as well as maintain a friendship, and yet nothing was good enough for me. Our situation led me to constant panic attacks, and difficulties between us- and not one person could understand my inner conflict. For some people I was too extreme for the way I felt, and for others I was doing wrong by even maintaing contact with him. I felt so pulled in different directions and so incredibly confused. This obviously had an impact on us because he tried to do everything to support and respect me and my boundaries, whilst at times feeling confused and burdened himself. There were of course, amazing and great times too- but barely ever a situation where there weren’t thoughts churning in the back of my mind.
I wouldn’t change it, because there was a reason for every single one of those experiences, and I truly believe that it has given us the strength we have now alhamdullilah. But as you can see, this patience was very intense- there was much more to it then what met the eye.
So when you talk or think about or are even experiencing a situation that requires patience, try and remember the intensity that comes along with it. And be kind to yourself in knowing that you are dealing with a big thing- and patience can be difficult.
What experiences of patience have you had?